Tales from the Machine Room

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Turn the key

There is a moment of euforia when a new project begins. It doesn't matter what it is or how long will it take. In the moment it starts, everybody is charged and ready to go.

Probably, the day Columbus left Portugal to go and discover the New World (that he had no fucking clue it was there since he was operating on a faulty map made by Tolomeus), everybody was equally excited, it was only after a couple of weeks spent mopping the deck and masturbating that the reality of the thing showed itself.

The reality is that every "project" in the end is just a gigantic pain in the backorifice. Hours and days of toiling that get to several milestones (maybe), but in the end is just work.

Is at this point that the grinding start. Slow, painful, boring, annoying daily routines that kills the excitment and turn every project in the usual swamp of office problems. And there is nothin that can make it less boring. Is just a matter of get in and keep going.

Until... One day you get to the last kilometer, the last turn, the last lap. Like a marathong approaching the finish line, the checkerboard flag is in sight! You concentrate, summoning the remaining strength and keep trotting aaaaaaaandd..... you stop. Dead stop. Just before the line. Usually about half a meter before.

Yes because... getting to the finish line it means to complete the project, it means to get to the point when somebody "turn the key" and the whole thing goes into "production". And depending on the project, "turning the key" could be opening the door to several thousands different problems. Potentially disrupt the "normal" activity of the rest of the organization.

And there is nothing that the "boss" wants to avoid more than put his own name on the mail that means disruption and chaos for everybody else.

Also because he already had the "pleasure" of sending on production other stuff that, given the way stuff is "tested" nowadays (fact that I've already discussed at length in other parts of this site), lasted for about a couple of hours maybe before requiring a quick strategical withdrawal or a full blown rout and uncoordinated run-to-safety-as-fast-as-you-can, that means put the old stuff back online before the daemoncustomers torns us to shred.

This also means that, the very moment you are ready to cross the finishline, the "boss" blocks everything and start to panic.

Me - Ok, so we're ready to put this baby into production.
UL - What? Production? Already?
Me - ...what the... We should've been in production before the end of last year, we're already 2 months late!
UL - Yes but... how is it going with those problems that...
Me - You're confusing this with the OTHER project that has nothing to do with this.
UL - No I mean the problems of CL that had to change...
Me - Fixed. I've spoken with SL on the phone and they did the changes in less than 5 minutes. That's done and dusted.
UL - Hu... Already? Why I didn't heard anything?
Me - You were in CC on all the mails, obviously you weren't on CC in the phone call.
UL - Hemmm.. Ok, and what other problems could show up?
Me - None as far as I know.
Ul - But... the thing was tested?
Me - I've already told you that the system was tested but the best testing would have been done by letting the users to test it, but apparently you decided some times ago that is best not even talk about the fact that we're changing the whole thing, especially to the customers that are supposed to find out all at once at an unspecified moment, I guess when we'll put this into production for real. That is what we're talking about now.
UL - But my idea was to do everything without disturbing the users, all transparent, completely seamless...
Me - That is a nice idea but won't work, and we've already discussed about this. There are way too many things that don't match the old system, starting from the interface.
UL - Yes but...
Me - So the best thing to do is to INFORM the fuc... customers of the thing, before preferably, so they can book the conseling sessions and prepare themselves for the big day and if they want to try it, they can also do it whenever they want, so the day we announced, we turn it on and it is done.
UL - Yes but...
Me - And obviously there will be the ones that don't read or understand a fucking thing, but that's why we're here.
UL - Yes but...
Me - What?
UL - I mean... if we tell the customers ...
Me - ...?
UL - ... they then will complaint with us when things don't work...
Me - ... and the difference with the "normal" situation is?
UL - That they can claim that the upgrade was the problem.
Me - Instead of claiming that the aliens, or the demon, or what the fuck it is as usual, yes.

Then I had a doubt...

Me - Let me understand, when I told you that it was time to send out mail and announcements, you did nothing right?
UL - Hemmm...
Me - (rubbing my nose) Ok, so what is your idea to go in production with this thing?
UL - Hemmm...
Me - You do realize that the whole infrastructure is getting paid right? And we'll keep to pay for it even if we don't use it.
UL - Hemmm...
Me - (getting up and walking towards the door) Ok, I'll stop working on it. We'll see it next year.
UL - What do you mean "next year"??
Me - Yes, when the licenses for the old system are due for renewal.

... and now that I think about it, even my contract is.

12/02/2020 11:39

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Comments are added when and more important if I have the time to review them and after removing Spam, Crap, Phishing and the like. So don't hold your breath. And if your comment doesn't appear, is probably becuase it wasn't worth it.

10 messages this document does not accept new posts


By Bonz posted 17/02/2020 11:02

Oltre a mettersi a "mamare", questo qui, si mette pure a "hmmmare"? A posto, semo!

(N. B.: non è lo stesso che "mamava" l'altra volta, vero?)

-- Bonz

Davide Bianchi

@ Bonz By Davide Bianchi posted 17/02/2020 15:01


(N. B.: non è lo stesso che "mamava" l'altra volta, vero?)

No, ma non e' che faccia molta differenza...


-- Davide Bianchi


By Fundor333 posted 17/02/2020 16:29

É il quarto o quinto racconto che riesco a rivedere nella mia ditta in italia... Ne sono veramente preoccupato

-- Fundor333

Anonymous coward

By Anonymous coward posted 18/02/2020 07:04

giusto ieri mi è arrivata una proposta più o meno dalle tue lande per 6 mesi + rinnovi (con il testo che dice praticamente "ommiodddio abbiamobisognoraimmediatasubito!!!!").

A leggere le tue storie, comprendendo come vengono gestiti i contratti, la voglia di rischiare è pochina

-- Anonymous coward

Anonymous coward

@ Anonymous coward By Anonymous coward posted 21/02/2020 17:01


giusto ieri mi è arrivata una proposta più o meno dalle tue lande per 6 mesi + rinnovi (con il testo che dice praticamente "ommiodddio abbiamobisognoraimmediatasubito!!!!").

A leggere le tue storie, comprendendo come vengono gestiti i contratti, la voglia di rischiare è pochina


vacci e combina disastri atomici ma strutturando le cose in modo tale che non sia mai colpa tua , BWHAHAWHHAHAHA (si sono bastardo, vaffanculo agli olandesi, dai racconti di BD si meriano di tutto, informaticamente parlando, ovvio :-\) )



-- Anonymous coward

Messer Franz

By Messer Franz posted 18/02/2020 08:08

Per iniziare da rompipelotas, la carta era di Toscanelli, non Tolomeo.

Poi si parte coi complimenti e i commenti, tipo :

> ovviamente non eri in CC nella telefonata.

non dargli brutti spunti che poi ti chiede di farlo nei prossimi progetti....

> Invece che dare la colpa agli alieni o al demonio come al solito.

Il demonio poteva pensarci prima di creare javascript e la microsoft. Ora si deve assumere le sue responsabilità.

> ...e adesso che ci penso scade anche il mio contratto...

con la differenza che il tuo contratto non possono scaricarlo crakkato per cercare di usarti oltre i limiti temporali garantiti, anche se di sicuro ci proveranno...

-- Messer Franz


By gabriel posted 18/02/2020 08:46

e si, anche a me succede quando devo andare in produzione con qualche parte del mio sito web che ho modificato sono molto restio perchè ho paura di modificare delle cose che potrebbero sfasciare l'intero sistema.

ma la soluzione è fare un buon testing adeguato e la paura passa.

senti davide: ma perchè non mettete il sistema nuovo come beta e non lasciate quello vecchio funzionante, così i clienti possono decidere quale sistema utilizzare e non ci sarebbero problemi di far provare il sistema nuovo agli utenti, ossia lo provano ma mantengono anche il sistema vecchio, così se a qualcuno torna comodo usa quello nuovo altrimenti usa quello vecchio.

molte imprese(non aziende ma imprese che è cosa ben diversa) fanno in questo modo.


-- gabriel

Davide Bianchi

@ gabriel By Davide Bianchi posted 20/02/2020 16:44

senti davide: ma perchè non mettete il sistema nuovo come beta e non lasciate quello vecchio funzionante

Che e' piu' o meno quello che avevo proposto io, solo che $thepowerthatdoesnwanttobe ha deciso diversamente.

-- Davide Bianchi

Anonymous coward

By Anonymous coward posted 20/02/2020 23:31

> La realta' e' che qualunque "progetto" alla fine si rivela una grandissima rottura di coglioni.


92 minuti di applausi!!!

-- Anonymous coward

Anonymous coward

By Anonymous coward posted 21/02/2020 16:54

LOCATION: interno giorno, ufficio DumpBoss

(DB e' alla scrivania, facendo cosa non si sa)

Entra BigD reggendo uno scatolone, diciamo grande quanto 4 scatole di scar per accatastate 2x2.

BD alza lo sguardo, sorpreso dell'ingresso, né annunciato né autorizzato. Sta per protestare su questa evidente insubordinazione, quando BD, senza dire una parola, rovescia il contenuto sulla scrivania di DB, il quale, schifato/inorridito fa un salto all'ndietro, azandosi di scatto e con un urlo mezzo farsetto tipo hiiaa! -perdiocosaèquestoschifo!-

E, BD, serafico: sono una dozzina di testicoli di toro, presi dal macellaio qui all'angolo: visto che negli ultimi due anni non hai mai avuto occasione di usare i tuoi, ne ho dedotto che ne sei sprovvisto, così te li sto procurando io. E ADESSO, PERDIO, FA IL CAPO E PRENDI DELLE FOTTUTE DECISIONI E RELATIVE RESPONSABILITÀ!

domanda: ma l'espressione "avere i coglioni" si usa anche in Olanda? Nel caso, si può passare a 20 fegati...


il contratto sta per scadere, eh? interessante... (detto stando seduto su una poltrona girevole e accarezzando un gatto bianco...)

-- Anonymous coward

10 messages this document does not accept new posts

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